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Transcription:Archie's Final Destination
(Archie and the gang are on a bus trip to Paris.) :Veronica: Betty, can you believe we're going to Paris for our senior class trip? :(The gang gets onto the bus and it shows Archie shivering.) :Betty: Oui, Veronica! But look, poor Archie must be on his senior drug trip. :Reggie: (Pushes Jughead and Archie) Geez Archie, you're supposed to slip the G.H.B in the girl's drink, not take it yourself. (laughs) Date rape. :(Just as the bus leaves, the bus overturns and all the passengers except the bus driver are rolling up and down inside the bus while screaming in panic.) :Passenger: OH MY GOD! *long bleep sound* :(Turns out that never happened as Archie has just woken up, knowing it is a vision) :Archie: Gang! It was a vision! We have to get off this bus or we all die! (Betty and Veronica are shocked) :Reggie: Only Veronica can gets me off! (Laughs while Veronica is not happy with what he says) Slut. :(As the bus leaves, Archie and the gang who are off the bus sees it goes while Ms. Grundy was waiting outside the school.) :Ms. Grundy: Now that we're not going to Paris, we can all go inside and read the novelization of Final Destination by author David McGinty. :Archie and the gang: MS. GRUNDY!!! :Moose: (Just appeared) Duh! Did I miss the bus to France? :Reggie: That bus wasn't short enough for you, Moose! (Laughs) Dumbass! :Jughead: (To Reggie) do we keep hanging out with you? :(As the bus leaves, the gang looks at the bus and then looks sternly at Archie. Suddenly, a machine from War of the Worlds destroys the bus and collapse.) :Archie: Well it wasn't exactly our vision, but they sure are dead. :Veronica: (sighs) Even when Archie has a vision, he screws it up. :Archie: Err...I'm worried! What if you can't avoid the Grim Reaper? :Betty: Who's he, he sounds dreamy! :Reggie: Blondes are dumb whores! (Everybody laughs, leaving Betty clueless) Stereo-type! (Scene changes in a bathroom where Jughead is preparing to take a bath.) :Jughead: (Taking off his hat while carrying a sandwich) Another day, another sandwich in the shower. Woo-hoo! (Sighs) I hate me. :(He gets inside the shower naked with a censored bar at his crotch and consumes the whole sandwich.) :Jughead: (To the viewers) How do I eat so much and stay thin? Here's my secret! (He puts his hand inside his mouth and vomits.) Go down the drain, will you?! :(He steps on the vomit and suddenly he slips and fell onto his hat, which it pierces through his stomach, killing him.) :Riverdale News: Stupid Kid Impaled On Stupid Hat! (Scene changes where Pope Tate is taking out the apostrophe above the 'o' of Choke in Choke lit Shop) :Pope Tate: If I catch the prick who keeps moving this apostrophe, I'm going to cut him up and shit on him and fuck him up and murder him. (Puts the apostrophe in the right place changing it to 'Choke’ lit Shop' and leaves the scene.) :Chuck: (Came into the scene) Listen! Death is stalking us according to where we are sitting on his bus. :Betty: Superfluous black character! :Chuck: (Annoyed) My name is Chuck! :Betty: Why would Death follow Mr. Weatherbee's sitting chart? :Chuck: I dunno, Blondie! Why would Martians spend millions of years waiting to attack when they could just be living here or bother to find out if something in the air would make them sick! :Ms. Grundy: (Pass them) You better have finished your haiku on Death in English class tomorrow. :Archie and the gang: AWWW!!! :Reggie: Lesbian. :(The gang leaves leaving Archie, Betty and Veronica on the scene.) :Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and innocent. :Veronica: Come with me Archie, I'm rich and easy. :Archie: (Thinking) Hmm...I choose... :(Just then, Archie accidentally pushes Betty to the street, who gets hit by a bus, spilling blood onto Archie and Veronica.) :Archie: Still deciding... (While he's still thinking, not knowing what happened, Veronica was not too happy about it.) :Riverdale News: Veronica Lodge Gets Poor Girl's Blood On Dress! Sloppy Joe For Lunch Tomorrow! (Scene changes at the kitchen with Ms. Grundy and Moose on the dining table.) :Moose: Duh, Ms. Grundy, what's a haiku? :Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of poem. :Moose: Duh, what's death? :Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about football. :Moose: Duh! :Ms. Grundy: (Takes up an R.C. Whiskey bottle and pours it in her cup) No child left behind. I've been teaching for these same nitwits for 40 years. :(The Golden Apple which Grundy knocks it over when she takes the bottle falls down to the ground, pushing the dominoes, which show a skull symbol, lights up a match, burning the rope and lights the candle. The candle burns its wax and drops it onto the scale, which opens up a rat cage, letting the rat go up another rope, eating the cheese that was stuck on top of the rope. It reveals that the rope holds a red car which is right above Grundy's head. Ms. Grundy notices it and tries to run but her shirt gets stuck onto the fridge knobs and tries to run from it.) :Ms. Grundy: Moose! :Moose: Duh! Ms. Grundy?! :Ms. Grundy: Help me Moose! :Moose: DUH! (He recalls back the steps from how the rat eat the cheese to how it was started too long and then he realized it) DUH! :Ms. Grundy: Moose! You stupid Mother... :(It was too late for Ms. Grundy to escape and finish her sentence as the rat snaps the rope, making the car fall onto her.) :Moose: Uh-oh! Duh, Ms. Grundy! (Flips the car, sees her dead body and cries.) DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! :Riverdale News: Retarded Student Involved In Death Of English Teacher! Retard To Face Execution Texas-Style! (Scene changes where Archie, Veronica and Reggie are on Archie's car.) :Archie: Poor Moose! The gas chamber! :Veronica: I'm a rich Republican, but even I'' felt bad when he said, (Imitates Moose) "Me take nap now?" :(Suddenly, Death, the Grim Reaper, appears on top of Archie's car.) :'Veronica:' Death, I will pay you one million dollars if you take these two assholes first! (Death is reconsidering.) :'Archie:' I thought I was important to you! :'Veronica:' Go take Betty on a date...in Hell!! :(Death uses his sickle, killing Archie and Reggie, while Veronica is happy that he agrees. The scene changes to one where Veronica, in a bikini, is having drinks with Death.) :'Mr. Lodge:''' (Appears in front of them) Who charged a million dollars to the family gold card? :(Death kills Mr. Lodge, while both of them give each other a toast.) Archie's Final Destination